Shrubicide on Campus

By Miche (Meagan Michelle) Lee
Published November 2010 by The Paladin, a Southern Virginia University Publication

We received a tip from a faculty member that last month, a shrub on campus was murdered. This unprecedented herbicide was shocking to many of the students and faculty.

The shrub in question originally resided next to the parking lot stairs near Durham. The gory evidence has been almost completely obliterated—but if you look closely, you can still see remnants of a stump. After doing some investigation, I interviewed a member of the maintenance staff, responsible for the death of the plant; who wishes to remain anonymous. “It’s been encroaching on the sidewalk for years, at this point, it was a hazard.”

The bush was not murdered, but in fact, executed. It was sentenced to deportation after being convicted of molesting innocent passer-bys on their way to class. The Bush exhibited serial habits: waiting till the victim was looking down at a cell-phone or textbook, then springing up, grabbing at clothing, hats, faces and hands. No one was seriously injured, but several students and faculty sustained minor injuries, such as scratches and bruises.

Thank you, OPSS and maintenance, for doing your job to protect public safety.


About Meagan Michelle

Divorced, three-time maid-of-honor, cat-lady, dog-lady, beta-fish lady, reader, writer, drawer, internet-surfer, traveller, twenty-something (okay, okay, 26.), human.
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